Saturday, October 31, 2009

Extreme Paranormal -- LMAO

another A$E paranormal TV show!!
say it ain't so.
the revDR comes thru again:

this is the RevDr's review of this (yet another completely idiotic paranormal) show:

"There is Nathan, the woo-woo expert who talks a little lispy ala Chippernog, Jason (I think) who is a short, fat Eunuch type who is the "technical expert" (which I think means he can figure out a 9 volt battery) and I'm blanking on the name of the MC Dude who goes mano y mano with the speerits. I'm not the svelte, snake hipped boy I once was, but do you need to be a fatty to be a Paranermal ? It seems that on every Para show, at least one of the investigators is a tubby. There must be some correlation.

The 1st episode was at that prison in New Mexico that flared up into a multi-day murderthon of a riot in 1980. Our hefty, lisping team was obsessed with a child molester inmate that was burned alive (which seems fair enough to my cruel side). They were in the prison late at night all by themselves, chasing after things that went "bump" in the night. Gee, what could possibly make noise in a huge, dilapidated prison at night ? The usual EMF readers and digital recorders and FLIRS were in evidence. Our 3 Tons of Fun would be on one tier of the prison & they'd hear a bump elsewhere & they would go charging around to find the noise. Lots of silly running around & being scared shitless by their own shadows.

Well, at one point they gather at the purported location of the child molester's immolation and do their "featured" bit of invocation. First Nathan lays down on the floor & gets outlined with chalk ala crime scene (do they still do that ?) Then they put down some flammable liquid on the inside of the outline. Then, letting us all know that "Blood Rituals" are really spooky & dangerous, Nathan carves a bit on his arm with a razor blade to get the juices flowing and draws a rune of some mystical tree that is a summoning rune inside the outline (did he have "cutting issues" as a lonely, chubby, nerdling ?) Then they set the outline on fire--spooky ! and start calling for "Inmate 107856" to come out, come out, wherever he is. They speak harshly to him & threaten him (how do you threaten a burned to death child molester from 29 years ago ?)

Then it gets really funny. Since that didn't work, Jason The Eunuch gets locked down in the adjoining cell and sets up a small Van der Graff generator thing-why, were not told- and Nathan lispily tells us that he's spraying down the area with salt water, which is a good electrical conductor, to make Inmate 107856 appear all the better. To add to the already festive proceedings, MC Dude-Boy starts hacking away at the cell bars with a metal grinder-causing all sorts of scare-show sparks to start a-flying, and gets all impolite with the spirit of the crispy critter, threatening him with mayhem and rudeness and ungentlemanly treatment if he does not appear. Eunuch boy is using the FLIR and tells MC Grinder that his temperature is dropping. "Yeah, Dude (they say "Dude" a lot) I'm freezing" Other than that, I don't recall much Paranormal action. Then the Littlest Eunuch gets (did I mention how good he looks in shorts & a tight T-Shirt ?) all wigged out-He's been seriously Pushed-ala Chad Calek- by, of course, Inmate 107856. He is all in a tizzy and wants Dude-Boy to hurry up & grind the lock off the door so's he can get outta there ! Yikes, being pushed around by a roasted child molester is scary business-especially when you look like a size 4x 9 year old !

Suddenly, Nathan sees a -Oh No !- shadow and calls for his cohorts to scamper on down. Things go bump, and Mr. Dude-Boy is almost assaulted by....a pigeon ! One can only imagine all the vermin that prowls the halls of this large, moribund institution. I count at least three large, lumpy primates as part of the infestation.

The 2nd part of the show has to do with a "Haunted Lake." It seems like a ghost town got flooded out-Lake Bonito- where once a mining town existed. There was supposedly a drifter back in the mid 19th century that went on a killin' spree, murdering 7 people or something, before the posse gunned him down. Our heroes are there to do some aqua-woo. It's all very silly. A delightful "Summoning Circle" is made of 2x4's and tea candles (?), all very Martha Stewart. It's a circle with outlying pentagrams (4) and a triangle. It's some powerful Ju-Ju to summon the ghost of the bad man. Meanwhile, on the shore of the lake, our Expert of Woo is making a summoning fire to perform the summoning ritual. Eunuch boy is there with his EMF and other Ghosterific accoutrement to record ...whatever, since the action is out in the middle of the lake.

Meanwhile, MC Dude-Boy has his tea candle flotilla, which looks really pretty and festive out on the lake, and he's in a flattering wet suit and snorkel, gettin' ready to talk some trash to the Bad Man. As they say, the only thing in the lake are trout-and make no mistake, hatchery raised trout are renowned for their blood thirsty viciousness- and the drowned remains of the Ghost Town. So, they film the Summoning Ceremony, the tea lights are flickering and Eunuch Boys EMF device is going crazy ! And their aren't any emission sites for miles. Yup, we are told it's definitely the ghost of Mr. Shoot 'em Up, cain't be nothin' else !

Meanwhile, Scuba Boy is diving around lots of water weeds and freaking out about being grabbed by the bad guy like a 6 year old at a family picnic. Unfortunately-or not- this is where I dozed off, so I can't tell you anymore. I'm sure that, after dissing the Ghost with all sorts of manly trash-talk, that MC Dude-Boy was successful in summoning the target. Who could resist the festive tea candles?

Obviously a show that drops the gauntlet to PRS to get a little more confrontational with the Agents Of Woo. Sweet talking Belial with Scripture and squirt bottles of Holy Water just won't do it when we've had conflagrations and the use of manly hand tools. Or who knows, Maybe Ry-Ry's sweet talkin' approach is the ticket. I guess we could get the Extreme Paranormal Dude- Boys to visit Lara and the 6 & see if they can do a better job than Ry and his we-are-the-the-world prayer circle jerk on Lara's behalf. Only time will tell...

I definitely encourage you to watch next week, as I doubt this show will get picked up. The rushing, cussing 3 Stooges are truly a delightful addition to the annals of Parapsychology, and I'm sure they have the respect of the whole Paranormal community, as they bring a touch of Dog The Bounty Hunter to the prosecution of the Ghosties and Speerits and other Wonders of Woo in their own cholesterol rich manly way.

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